200 Best Adult Jokes that are Hilarious

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If you want to enjoy fun adult jokes, that you won’t ever forget, here are some of the best adult jokes on the planet.

Jokes can fill your day. They can make the difference between a sad and crazy day. We made a list of funny adult jokes that would make you laugh out loud. However, it is strictly for adults alone. Keep your kids out of it.

Bear in mind that many of them contain strong language that might be inappropriate or rude to some people. It is adult humor, so everything is allowed.

Short adult jokes from all around that are entirely inappropriate

1. What’s the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?

A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

2. What do the sign on an out-of-business brothel say?

Beat it. We’re closed.

3. Why was the guitar teacher arrested?

For fingering a minor.

4. What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?

One’s a Goodyear. The other’s a great year.

5. Why does Santa Claus have such a big sack?

He only comes once a year.

6. What’s the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?

A hooker can wash her crack and resell it.

7. What do the Mafia and pussies have in common?

One slip of the tongue, and you’re in deep shit.

8. What did the banana say to the vibrator?

Why are you shaking? She’s gonna eat me!

9. Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?

Because his wife died.

10. What’s the best part about sex with 28-year-olds?

There are twenty of them.

11. What’s the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb?

You can unscrew a light bulb.

12. What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?

Lick-a-lotta-puss.

13. What’s the difference between a Catholic priest and a zit?

A zit will wait until you’re twelve before it comes on your face.

14. What do a penis and a Rubik’s Cubes have in common?

The more you play with it, the harder it gets.

15. What does one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?

If we don’t get some support, people will think we’re nuts.

16. What’s the best part about gardening?

Getting down and dirty with your hoes.

17. How is a girlfriend like a laxative?

They both irritate the shit out of you.

18. What do you call the useless piece of skin on a dick?

The man.

19. Why do vegetarians give good head?

Because they’re used to eating nuts.

20. What’s long and hard and full of semen?

A submarine.

21. What’s the difference between your wife and your job?

After five years, your job will still suck.

22. Why do walruses love a Tupperware party?

They’re always on the lookout for a tight seal.

23. What’s the difference between your boyfriend and a condom?

Condoms have evolved: They’re not so thick and insensitive anymore.

24. Why did God give men penises?

So they’d have at least one way to shut a woman up.

25. What’s the difference between anal and oral sex?

Oral sex makes your day. Anal makes your hole weak.

26. What did the penis say to the vagina?

Don’t make me come in there!

27. What do a woman and a bar have in common?

Liquor in the front, poker in the back.

28. What’s another name for a vagina?

The box a penis comes in.

29. What’s the difference between a pick-pocket and a peeping tom?

One snatches your watch. The other watches your snatch.

30. What do you call two jalapeños getting it on?

Fucking hot!

31. How do you make your girlfriend scream during sex?

Call and tell her about it.

32. What’s the difference between your dick and a bonus check?

Someone’s always willing to blow your bonus.

33. How is life like a penis?

Your girlfriend makes it hard.

34. Why do women have orgasms?

Just another reason to moan, really.

35. What do you call a guy with a small dick?

Just-in!

36. What do you call a guy with a giant dick?

Phil!

37. What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public?

A private tutor.

38. What do you call a virgin lying on a waterbed?

A cherry float.

39. Know what a 6.9 is?

Another good thing screwed up by a period.

40. How is sex like a game of bridge?

If you have a great hand, you don’t need a partner.

41. What do boobs and toys have in common?

They were both originally made for kids, but daddies end up playing with them.

42. What do you call a herd of cows masturbating?

Beef strokin’ off.

43. What did the O say to the Q?

Dude, your dick’s hanging out.

44. What do you get when you mix birth control and LSD?

A trip without kids.

45. What did the sanitary napkin say to the fart?

You are the wind beneath my wings.

46. What’s the difference between a woman with PMS and a terrorist?

You can negotiate with a terrorist.

47. How is a push-up bra like a bag of chips?

As soon as you open it, you realize it’s half empty.

48. How do you embarrass an archaeologist?

Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.

49. How do you circumcise a hillbilly?

Kick his sister in the jaw.

50. What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?

Hold on to your nuts, this ain’t any ordinary blowjob.

200 Best adult jokes that are hilarious

Want to enjoy fun adult jokes, you won’t ever forget. Here are some of the best adult jokes on the planet.

Jokes can fill your day. They can make the difference between a sad and crazy day. We made a list of funny adult jokes that would make you laugh out loud. However, it is strictly for adults alone. Keep your kids out of it.

Bear in mind that many of them contain strong language that might be inappropriate or rude to some people. It is adult humor, so everything is allowed.

Short adult jokes from all around that are entirely inappropriate

1. What’s the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?

A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

2. What do the sign on an out-of-business brothel say?

Beat it. We’re closed.

3. Why was the guitar teacher arrested?

For fingering a minor.

4. What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?

One’s a Goodyear. The other’s a great year.

5. Why does Santa Claus have such a big sack?

He only comes once a year.

6. What’s the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?

A hooker can wash her crack and resell it.

7. What do the Mafia and pussies have in common?

One slip of the tongue, and you’re in deep shit.

8. What did the banana say to the vibrator?

Why are you shaking? She’s gonna eat me!

9. Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?

Because his wife died.

10. What’s the best part about sex with 28-year-olds?

There are twenty of them.

11. What’s the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb?

You can unscrew a light bulb.

12. What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?

Lick-a-lotta-puss.

13. What’s the difference between a Catholic priest and a zit?

A zit will wait until you’re twelve before it comes on your face.

14. What do a penis and a Rubik’s Cubes have in common?

The more you play with it, the harder it gets.

15. What does one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?

If we don’t get some support, people will think we’re nuts.

16. What’s the best part about gardening?

Getting down and dirty with your hoes.

17. How is a girlfriend like a laxative?

They both irritate the shit out of you.

18. What do you call the useless piece of skin on a dick?

The man.

19. Why do vegetarians give good head?

Because they’re used to eating nuts.

20. What’s long and hard and full of semen?

A submarine.

21. What’s the difference between your wife and your job?

After five years, your job will still suck.

22. Why do walruses love a Tupperware party?

They’re always on the lookout for a tight seal.

23. What’s the difference between your boyfriend and a condom?

Condoms have evolved: They’re not so thick and insensitive anymore.

24. Why did God give men penises?

So they’d have at least one way to shut a woman up.

25. What’s the difference between anal and oral sex?

Oral sex makes your day. Anal makes your hole weak.

26. What did the penis say to the vagina?

Don’t make me come in there!

27. What do a woman and a bar have in common?

Liquor in the front, poker in the back.

28. What’s another name for a vagina?

The box a penis comes in.

29. What’s the difference between a pick-pocket and a peeping tom?

One snatches your watch. The other watches your snatch.

30. What do you call two jalapeños getting it on?

Fucking hot!

31. How do you make your girlfriend scream during sex?

Call and tell her about it.

32. What’s the difference between your dick and a bonus check?

Someone’s always willing to blow your bonus.

33. How is life like a penis?

Your girlfriend makes it hard.

34. Why do women have orgasms?

Just another reason to moan, really.

35. What do you call a guy with a small dick?

Just-in!

36. What do you call a guy with a giant dick?

Phil!

37. What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public?

A private tutor.

38. What do you call a virgin lying on a waterbed?

A cherry float.

39. Know what a 6.9 is?

Another good thing screwed up by a period.

40. How is sex like a game of bridge?

If you have a great hand, you don’t need a partner.

41. What do boobs and toys have in common?

They were both originally made for kids, but daddies end up playing with them.

42. What do you call a herd of cows masturbating?

Beef strokin’ off.

43. What did the O say to the Q?

Dude, your dick’s hanging out.

44. What do you get when you mix birth control and LSD?

A trip without kids.

45. What did the sanitary napkin say to the fart?

You are the wind beneath my wings.

46. What’s the difference between a woman with PMS and a terrorist?

You can negotiate with a terrorist.

47. How is a push-up bra like a bag of chips?

As soon as you open it, you realize it’s half empty.

48. How do you embarrass an archaeologist?

Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.

49. How do you circumcise a hillbilly?

Kick his sister in the jaw.

50. What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?

Hold on to your nuts, this ain’t any ordinary blowjob.

Ridiculously dirty adult joke lines from famous international comedians

  1. “I didn’t have sex at all, not a scrap till I was 67. And that was cos I’d no small change for the window cleaner.” – Victoria Wood
  2. “A Christian friend of mine said that sex between two men is wrong in their eyes. I said, ‘You’re right, it’s supposed to be up the bum!'” – Gary Delaney
  3. “Las Vegas and Glasgow have a lot in common: they’re the only two places in the world where you can pay for sex with chips.” – Frankie Boyle
  4. “Recently my girlfriend asked me if I was having sex behind her back and I replied, ‘Yes, who did you think it was?’” – Jimmy Carr
  5. “You never know where to look when eating a banana.” – Peter Kay
  6. Remember to never answer a phone during sex, even if you hilariously answer with, ‘I can’t talk now, I’m going into a tunnel.’” – Jimmy Carr
  7. “I went to the zoo to watch the monkeys w***ing. Then I went to watch the crocodiles. I was still w***ing.” – Gary Delaney
  8. “If they’re making cakes for divorces, why not ‘Happy Menopause!’ ‘Mmm, it’s a bit dry. Why is there no jam? Have you run out of eggs?’ – Russell Howard
  9. “The only thing I can offer to put ladies at ease is that I am of no sexual threat whatsoever. I’m 42 years of age; I literally have to hit it with nettles. Sex with me these days is akin to thumbing marshmallows into the anus of a cat.” – Greg Davies
  10. “Looking at my penis, I find it endlessly fascinating. Its 46 years old, my penis. 46! It’s older than the Sydney Opera House, my penis!” – Rhod Gilbert
  11. “I accidentally filled the Escort with diesel. She died.” – Gary Delaney
  12. “I’ve never laughed a woman in to bed, but I’ve laughed one out of bed many times.” – Jack Whitehall
  13. “People think I hate sex. I don’t. I just don’t like things that stop you from seeing the television properly.” – Victoria Wood
  14. “I’ve got a boyfriend at the moment. Sometimes he’s there and sometimes he’s not. I prefer it when he’s not. Sex is a lot quicker.” – Sarah Millican
  15. “I don’t like my boyfriend watching pornography. I do think it’s kind of a form of infidelity, because he’ll be imagining himself having sex with other women, and I don’t understand why he needs to watch it when I draw him such great vaginas.” – Sara Pascoe
  16. “Mr Circumcision refused his knighthood.” – Rob Carter
  17. [On The Big Fat Quiz of the Year] “I’ve answered at tedious length. ‘Tedious Length’ is also my porn name.” – David Mitchell
  18. “They say one in ten people want a sex toy for Christmas, and that’s a lie, isn’t it? You open presents in front of your family! Who’s there going, ‘What have you got, Nan? A b**t

Adult jokes you will love

  1. How do you get retards out of a tree? Wave to them
  2. How many Emo kids does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, they all sit in the dark and cry
  3. What do you call a gangbanger behind bars? Anything you want
  4. What is a crack head’s favorite song? I wanna rock!
  5. How do you get tickets to the Tampon 100? Pull some strings.
  6. How many sorority girls does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two, one to screw it in and one to take a picture
  7. How do you kill a retard? Give him a knife and say, who’s special?
  8. What pin goes in hard and dry and comes out soft and wet? Bubble Gum
  9. What do you get when a cross A-Rod with Chris Brown? A cheater cheater woman beater
  10. Why did Hitler commit suicide? He got the gas bill
  11. What is the difference between ooooh and Aaah? About three inches
  12. What’s worse than spiders on your piano? Crabs on your organ
  13. What is the difference between onions and prostitutes? I cry when I cut up onions
  14. What do you get when you mix birth control and LSD? A trip without the kids
  15. What’s the job application to Hooters? They just give you a bra and say: Here, fill this out
  16. What’s the hardest part of rollerblading? Telling your parents that you are gay
  17. How does a Scotsman find a sheep in tall grass? Very satisfying
  18. Why did the Mafia cross the road? Forget about it
  19. After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, “ You know, I was a fool when I married you” She replied, Yes dear, but I was in love, so I didn’t notice
  20. Why did the boy fall off the swings? He didn’t have any arms

Do you have any adult jokes, you want share with us, place in the comment section below.

Do you have any adult jokes, you want to share with us, place in the comment section below. We want to hear from you.

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